What the heck is Harvard University thinking? The Harvard Lampoon Magazine is honoring Paris Hilton as their Woman of the Year. I'm sure it's because of her sharp mind and incredible educational background.

The celebutante, who received a GED in spite of having attended some of the country's finest schools, is expected to give an acceptance speech at the ceremony in Harvard Square on Feb. 6.

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She's a GED person? For those that don't know that stands for General Equivalency Diploma. It means she couldn't cut it in regular school. Now for many people, it's a great thing to help them out, but Paris is a rich, snotty socialite. You'd think high school would have been perfect for her to stay at for 6-8 years.

Meanwhile, that Tom Cruise (or Xenu) seems to be trying to grab Paris for his little club called Scientology. I think he's collecting early so that one day, Empress Suri has plenty of souls to feast on, but then what do I know?

Paris was seen at the Cut restaurant last night, where the Cruises spent three hours dining together after the premiere of Katie's new film Mad Money.

The trio are not known to be friends, but Hollywood's a small town, and they're sure to have crossed paths before.

In any case, it appeared to more than a coincidence that Paris was in attendance at the Cut restaurant in Beverly Hills where the world's most famous Scientologist and his young wife were dining.

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Take her! Take her! We don't want her.

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Andrew Morton, the guy that wrote the book "Tom Cruise:An Unauthorized Biography" has made some serious claims about Tom that's pretty shocking. Some people say the guy really does do a lot of research for his books. Anyway, the goods:

Morton claims Cruise had Holmes sign a document before they started dating that allowed "Scientologists full control over her life." The alleged document required Holmes to "turn only to Scientology's treatments" for herself and her children's welfare and "must never use psychiatric care or psychiatric drugs."

Morton maintains that Holmes' father, Martin, an attorney, negotiated a pre-nup that would award her $3 million for each year of their marriage.

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So as long as she allowed Scientology full control of her life, then $3 million a year was a reasonable sum according to her dad. Nice. Thanks Dad.

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Dammit! That Tom Cruise is a crafty bugger isn't he? His commanding power of the Dark Side of the Force allowed him to use his mind tricks on Will Smith and turn him into his very own apprentice.

Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center.

Never mind that such tests are given free by the church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that - surprise! - Scientology can fix right up for you.

For a fee, of course.

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I mean Will was the Fresh Prince! He is Legend! If we've lost him then what chance does the rest of humanity have? Wasn't Will's blood supposed to be immune so that he could cure the rest of us once the planet is enslaved? This is just perfect for a Wednesday. To find out we're all screwed really messes up my week quite frankly.

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Xanthos, Tom Cruise or whatever his alien soul on Earth is called has been controlling everything that happens with little Suri Cruise since day one. I don't think Nicole Kidman would let him do that with the other kids, so he replaced her with the younger Katie Holmes who he could brainwash. Score one for the aliens.

Us Weekly has learned that while Suri -- who as a baby was breastfed and nursed on a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup which Hubbard advocated as being healthier than formula and breast milk -- is too young to take classes at the Scientology Centre, the 18-month-old is constantly surrounded by believers, including her two nannies.

“Tom doesn’t like associating with people who aren’t Scientologists,” says an insider.

Additionally, Holmes, 28, and Cruise, 45, have a hard time saying no to Suri. But it’s not simply because they’re pushovers.

“It’s all about being positive and supportive,” says the couple’s friend (Hubbard advised parents to “try to be the child’s friend.”) As for discipline, one former church member tells Us that Scientologists do not scold their children, but instead explain that bad behavior (like throwing a toy) is the “wrong action.” (A Scientology rep tells Us, “How a parent disciplines their child is left up to the parent.”)

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That little girl will probably grow up and one day and rule the whole planet from a giant golden throne. She'll enslave most of what is now Australia just as a payback to Nicole Kidman from her "daddy."

We also know Tom likes to preach what is the "wrong action" don't we? Remember how he lectured Matt Lauer about the use of depression drugs that Brooke Shields was taking? How about him lecturing the guy that squirted him in the face with water? Watch that video after the jump in case you forgot.

Click here to see the Video

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I guess the end of the world is getting close and Tom Cruise knows it. After all, remember when Scientology chose Tom to be Jesus Christ? He's the savior.

Now the October 2007 issue of Star Magazine on the stands says:

"Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, "it's a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survive for years." Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galactic [sic] ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they'll need a safe place to survive."

I thought we were all alien spirits in human form or that Xenu was a good-guy. See? That's my problem with Scientology...it's all a big freaking secret so nobody trusts them. If you meet someone into Jesus, Allah, Budda, or Nada then you can easily get a 10 minute preview of their beliefs.

If you ask a Scientologist, you'll get ten minutes of double-speak with buzzwords like "cleansing" and "higher level of consciousness." They never get to the actual point. I've spoken with Scientologists and it's like showing up to dinner at someone's house and all the couples are there to sell you Amway, but never mention the word Amway for hours like it's a big secret.

So listen up Scientologists. Just spill it already. I'd probably join if you just laid out how you'll save my soul.

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Jenna Jameson finds her real boobs (The Superficial)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have separate rooms (Dlisted)

Britney Spears makes another stupid career choice (Yeeeah!)

Bill Murray has a Euro DUI (IDLYTW)

Foxy Brown is going to jail (HollyScoop)

Watching Christina Aguilera's growing belly breasts (HollywoodTuna)

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